Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
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One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
hear me out : pockets for your socks
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*