Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that

My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.

But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?

All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt

I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.

My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw

LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.

Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess

Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?

[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?

[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care

For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair

when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s

TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid

Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom

Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man

Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.

Client – is your boss available

Receptionist – he’s currently una –

Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes

Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.

*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]

*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]

asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently

interviewer: what do you know about excel?

me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet

I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.

7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.

7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.

7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.

8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.

9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.

me: my car makes a funny noise

mechanic: that’s the horn

“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.

ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.

My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.

Ask me how I know.

You’re never alone. Theres mold