Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
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8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
The Compass
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Humans were not meant to have this many passwords
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler