Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
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Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
What element do criminals hate to see?
Copper
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Rubbing lotion on complete strangers not because I want to but because they need it.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party