Not to brag but I run faster than the speed of light.
My tortoise’s name is Speed of Light.
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you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
when u come home smelling like another dog
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*