Not to brag but I run faster than the speed of light.
My tortoise’s name is Speed of Light.
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mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Always
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
astonishing how whenever you go to the post office the queue in front of you is made up almost entirely of people who appear to have ended up at the post office by accident, have in fact never visited a post office before, and have no idea what they want out of the experience
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”