Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
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Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Today my 4 year old son said to me ‘Dad, can you put my shoes on?’
I replied, ‘No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.’
aesthetic
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans