Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.

HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car

I’m single and proud of it!

* Flips hair
* Trips over cat

[The Gorge in the Pride lands]

Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?

Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*

Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.

Now who’s stupid? They are!

Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution

May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans

If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.

HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?

My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.

I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses

This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.

So many things changing daily.

For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.

me hitting on a model

A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.

Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody

“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”

5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature

5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird

Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.

It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.

Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.

A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.

Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?

I know you do. That’s why I do it.

I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.

Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.

“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”

*nervous glance at dog

Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend

Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.

Me, 1
Kids, 0

[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?

COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”

ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”

I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.