Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
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Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church