Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
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I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me