Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon

Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.

Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.

No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now

At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?

The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.

who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.

parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”

The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.

Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…

*Hits Rock Bottom*

Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.

[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this

When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.

I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”

I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.

That said, could someone please call for help?

I got startled and am stuck in a tree.

microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist

I think this is my favorite scene in a movie

Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating

Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it

Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets

Therapist: absolutely not

Aliens: take us to your leader

Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you

I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.

Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.

The elephant is my spirit animal.

1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms

My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window

Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry mat

Yes, it’s another four mat tweet.

How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now

My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.

“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”

ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner

ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive

Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.

Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.