Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
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Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Flowers bee like
When I was a kid I thought Original Sin meant that everyone had one weird sin they did in their life that no one else had done before and you had to work out what it was
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed
