Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
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*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
I don’t understand how wild bears can eat all that salmon without a squeeze of lemon and some sea salt.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!