Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
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My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍