@EmissaryKerry

Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.

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@AnniemuMary

Dear Cereal Makers,

Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?

@AndyAsAdjective

*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?

ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?

@ByrdMan0914

To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.

Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend

@TheBoydP

To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.

@MartaEffing

I don’t understand how wild bears can eat all that salmon without a squeeze of lemon and some sea salt.

@Cherbearxo

I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.

@QwertyJones3

Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!

@ArfMeasures

[Throwing a ball for my dog]

Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though

@Aikiwomannc

Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.

Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.

Me: No.

Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!

Me: Please stop.

Body: Itchy back!