Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Professor, clearing his throat:

“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”

Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly

A Haiku For My Salad:

I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad

wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge

I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season

We take our 40% off sale seriously at

My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.

My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?

I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.

The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion

When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.

Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*

My organs: We strike at dawn.

Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.

[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office

BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan

My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?

Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.

Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.

If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.

Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.

Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]

My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?

I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.

*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*

– parallel parking a time machine

I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits

Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.

They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.

*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*

“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”

Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?

People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.

Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.