Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My in-laws visited today.

FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.

My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?

I love my son.

🏙👨🏼

“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?

Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?

Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753

interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?

me: flattery

interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?

me: that smile

interviewer: 😳

I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards

People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am

My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.

me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?

me: wow you sure are playing hard to get

after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant

Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.

Interviewed a Canadian.

She has a Canadian accent & boobs.

She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.

She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.

“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”

Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.

Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.

Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!

INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”

“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl

Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots

Him: You don’t have Russian roots

Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*

I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”

“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”

Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences

I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality

The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened

ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know

Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.

Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online

Me: OK now i need fresh fruit

Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.

Me: No fresh fruit

Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.