Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
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*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.