Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
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Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”
It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.
three things we don’t talk about
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
LOL
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
I finally found a reason to live again.