Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled

Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?

8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]

me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?

8: I don’t care

me: hm ok

Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.

My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)

Me: are you mad at me?

Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes

*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon

Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.

I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.

*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”

Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.

Me: [trying to put on pants]

Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?

You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.

Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer

asked my bf how work was today

Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…

… free of charge.

Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife

Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.

Cop: Open the trunk please

Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for that

Cop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?

They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.

My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.

Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.

“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”

when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face

DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.

Them: “I hate to be a…”

Me: “Then don’t.”

Text:

Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.

Her: K

[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him