Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
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I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.
Parenting is fun.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
by any beans necessary
cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
The most accurate map ever devised.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.