Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
You Might Also Like
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.