Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
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My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
How it started: No kicking balls in the house!
How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?