Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
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That was easy.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.