Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
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Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
This will teach them to underestimate me
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo
my wife: the baby’s crying
me: as he should be. it’s upsetting
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
This made me chuckle.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE