Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took

I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.

You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.

You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.

Anyway, I lost an eye today.

*pulls out 50 inch TV*

What? It’s really a phone.

I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.

ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

I’d like to be alone now please sign out.

me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything

her: sure

me: why

Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police

Another interesting #factupdates post!

Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now

The Universe: hold my beer

If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.

“We will wed,” I threatened

Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??

Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-

Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]

[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts

[interview]

employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years

me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible

employer, taking notes: okay, so…management

Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.

My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.

therapist: you’re overthinking

me: what if-

therapist: don’t

me: WHAT IF

therapist:

me: what if everyone else is underthinking

The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.

Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*

Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!

I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.

You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.

therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?

me: im not sure

therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?

me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?

therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist

Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.

“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”

~police asking for help in my disappearance

[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi