Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
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Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
me: you guys sell gift cards?
funeral parlor director: what?
not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.