Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
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to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?