Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
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[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think
That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
😂🐈⬛
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.