Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”
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Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
I’m having my mother-in-law for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. She asked what she could bring. I said, “Bring some pie and cranberries and stuffing and mashed potatoes with gravy and a golden brown turkey.”
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
me: you know what I need?
body: vitamins? water? a vegetable?
me: another coffee.
body: you mother fu-
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT