Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”
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I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
The prophecy is fulfilled
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I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
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[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.