Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”
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Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*
Body by cheese-puffs.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.