Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
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looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?