Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day

I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too

My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.

My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.

AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]

Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine

so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD

Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second

Me irl

I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees

All right stop, coagulate and thicken

Her: What’s with the bunny?

Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”

Her: Why?

Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.

Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?

Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.

In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.

When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

I love it all

Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo

She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school

[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?

They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.

Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.

Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.

Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.

Me: You should have been more specific

Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel

Me: ok that does make more sense

I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move

I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever

Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine

*1st day as a human*

Alien: I did one of those poop things

Alien 2: And?

A: The corn we ate was there

A2: So?

A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up

A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here

Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?

Me: Yes

(No they had not)

[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?