Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
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I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
If an alien egg starts hatching in front of u, I would recommend not leaning over it to look inside. I’d back tf up. Just my two cents
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV