Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
You Might Also Like
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.
Tuber Eats.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”
Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”
Darth Vader: >:(
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.