Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
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Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*
Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”