Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
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Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
👾👾👾
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Writing fake murder confessions and sticking them in old pickle jars in the wall during this house remodel.
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
First date
Him: tell me about yourself
Me in a singsong voice: ok but you’re not gonna like it
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.