Not to brag but I’ve stuck to my diet for the entire month of January.
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good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal