Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.

Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.

Them:

Me: damn I picked a good spot.

Government Shutdown: Day 4

3am: Monkey House, National Zoo

A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.

Ben Stiller escapes into the night.

A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress

Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news

Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked

I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”

You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?

My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah

First Christmas argument underway.

Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.

I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.

Me: I’d like to see your music zebras

Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day

Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.

Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.

It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.

Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.

one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life

[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese

Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.

God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.

I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..

and softly whisper…

“I’ll do your housework for you”

I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?

[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”

The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.

Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two

Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you

I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.