Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel

exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out

[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball

Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow

Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy

If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.

I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.

Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.

Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?

The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.

Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”

Is it the “S” or the “C?”

Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie

Devil: I’ve got an idea

don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die

Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds

doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]

Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming

My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone

A social media post so confusing you turn your music down to read it.

rebranding

Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?

So does Tequila….

My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.

so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys

Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*

Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!

hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this

Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.

Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.

“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”

HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain

Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.

in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful

*phone rings*

Girlfriend: Hello.

Me: Hi, baby.

GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!

M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.

GF: No, you told me.

M:

GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?

M: Are they available?

Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.

Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.