not to brag, but mine was free
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3: I wuv you Mommy.
Me: I love you too!
3: Don’t talk to me.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
well well well, if it isn’t the thing i said i’d do before the holidays that i’m now putting off until after the holidays
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.
My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?
It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.
The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.