not to brag, but mine was free
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Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.
channeling her this year
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children