not to brag, but mine was free
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(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Made something I’m not proud of
Fluff me with a fork baby
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell