Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
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Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Rock stars’ children have very strange names.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Others: I run so I can eat pizza
Me: I just…eat pizza
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
you come to me? on a friday at 4pm
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.