Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I missed you with all my darts

Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?

My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.

Me: …

Him: …

Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.

Him: How have you lived this long?

I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.

Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.

Him: Are you free later?

Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.

If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.

Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.

Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?

I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own

I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER

Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully

“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”

Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.

I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.

Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?

Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.

I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.

Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?

Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?

Him:

Me:

Him: How much money do you have?

Mary: oh no my period is late

Joseph: oh no how late

Mary: I dunno, what’s the date

Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC

Mary: 9 months what now

*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*

My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?

CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner

ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–

*goose with a badge waddles in*

ME: okay but i’m driving this time

Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.

Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.

Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.

Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.

My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.

wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.

Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.