@sixfootcandy

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

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@HorribleDancer

Just once, I want someone to kick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.

@TheBoydP

Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.

@Feenohmenal

My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.

@Swishergirl24

Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.

@kyry5

One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.

@DaddyJew

Me: I can’t come in today, too much snow

Boss: according to your FB page you’ve already started day drinking and are messaging me from inside an igloo you built

Me: that is correct

B: can I come hang?

@dsmitty62

Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!

@internetluke

[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”

“…”
Vibrate?

@fignhoney

Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.

Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?

@kjoy1019

If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.