Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

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Just once, I want someone to kick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.


Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.


My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.


Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.


One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.


Me: I can’t come in today, too much snow

Boss: according to your FB page you’ve already started day drinking and are messaging me from inside an igloo you built

Me: that is correct

B: can I come hang?


Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!


[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”



Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.

Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?


If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.