Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
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Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.