Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
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My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
With this onion ring, I thee fed
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now