Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
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I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.