Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.
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We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
my 92 year old grandmother during my birthday lunch: you know who I think is very handsome? that murderer boy
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
do u think theres a butter planet?
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.