Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.
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me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.