Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things

Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune

parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.

This morning in my local coffee shop.

Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”

Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”

#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes

MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.

ME: *thinks for a bit* …k

MAGICIAN: That is a letter.

ME: omg ur right

me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH

I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.

I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!

*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)

Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.

[job interview]

HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking

*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair

HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”

Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.

the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards

[before quarantine]

me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”

[5 weeks in quarantine]

me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”

Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry

Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.

There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.

I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.

Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”

H: I’m going to the store.

M: Why don’t you take my truck?

[3 hrs later]

H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.

M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*

I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam

Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief

I think my mom just blocked me

guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now

I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.

I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…

7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kids

Kids are such fast learners these days

Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.

what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?

I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”

Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.

Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.