Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.

My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.

When your diet is finally over.

Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.

Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.

Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.

*finds a corpse in the house*

Oh great, more cleaning.

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”

Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call

*sleeping*

Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE

I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…

5 yo: Mommy did that.

Me: Did what?

5 yo: She hit that with her car.

Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.

Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.

Coworker: What?

Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.

Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.

Me: Yes.

Me: I’d like to return this

Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room

Me: ya it sucks

The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.

[blind date]

HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?

ME: Absolu-

WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?

HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan

ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan

“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”

– inventor of the bagpipe

Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.

My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.

So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems

I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.

[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable

the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like

Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.

It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.

People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.

ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??

ME: yeah, totally

[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]

ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T

[bedtime]

SON: I want a monster story.

ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”

Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?

before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic

Unbooblievable