Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
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I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
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My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now