Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Try this chocolate chip.

3 year-old: Okay!

[gives him coffee bean]

3: UGH, YUCK!

-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.

Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.

The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!

PSA: Always be yourself

Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time

i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs

I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.

[Terminator Academy]

Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.

Insecurminator: oh no!

McKay Coppins:

My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.

On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”

[approaches parent with child on a leash]

“Mind if I pet your dog?”

Hey that’s my son!

“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”

Daughter: Anyone there?

Ouija Board: S P O T

Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm

Ouija Board: N O

ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room

we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌

Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)

[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training

List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws

Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.

We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!

Pedant: Actually…

[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]

[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money

If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”

*waking up to dog kisses*

Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…

The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?

Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely

Long job application should let me clock in to finish them

*looks at you in batman voice*

I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person

A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast

*sees oven left on

“What moron left the oven on!?”

*tries repeatedly to turn it off

“WTF!? Stupid oven!”

*realizes 425 is the time

It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…

With less than 1 day to go..

Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?

This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.