Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
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Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Another year of doing the same thing next to a slightly different number, nice call
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
May have had one breakfast too many
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.