Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
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2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink
Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s