Not to brag, but my husband and I are crushing it—we haven’t had a single fight all year.
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It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Just got a message from my kid’s teacher that she still needs someone to sign up for plates/napkins for the Christmas party and this is a trap, right?
Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
hi why am I like this
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
LOL
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.