Not to brag, but my husband and I are crushing it—we haven’t had a single fight all year.
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I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.