Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
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Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Bros before Ohioes
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
kidnapper: we’re not going back for medication
me: ok cool I’ll just tell my cholesterol that
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Time heals everything 🙂
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.