Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
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[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations
my wife: do u want to hold him
me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious
doctor: put me down
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Me driving through Toronto
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!