Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
You Might Also Like
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.