Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.

one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king

Buy followers?

No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to

I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck

– The inventor of the scarf

Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.

What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?

klingon

*two claps*

klingoff

I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.

Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.

wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?

me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah

NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.

Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.

My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.

I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen

FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.

My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow

familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t

[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.

*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything

Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*

Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*

Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.

In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.

Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.

Everyone is always doing laundry

*changes name to laundry

My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.

Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?

In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif

Bike is short for Bichael.