Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
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My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
I need to get some bricks…
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Hamburger Hinderer.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
If you see a woman over 35 with her chin on her hand looking pensive, she is not deep in thought, she is trying to find that one chin hair that just suddenly appears out of nowhere and is strong enough to anchor a ship.
My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅