Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
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[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)