Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: I grew as a person

Me: Did you molt?

Friend: What?

Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?

Friend:

Me: Can I see it?

Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP

*Answers door naked*

Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲

Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.

I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind

Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that

cat: i brought you this dead mouse

me: no thanks

cat: then please accept this barf

me: i will not

cat: am i displeasing you?

me: absolutely

cat: [eyes narrow] good

Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”

Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……

E – I – E – I – O…..

HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?

ok like just. call me at this point

*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*

HOT POCKET

In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real

[texting]

So what’s your name?

“ily”

omg this is moving too fast.

ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?

My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.

I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.

When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.

Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.

*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*

*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*

*Someone compliments me*

Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.

I went to the candle store today.

They were having a blowout sale.

why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait

What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight

2017 – Wizard of Oz

[opening credits]

Dorothy: *opens weather app*

[end credits]

My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.

To err is human… To not know what err means is American.

[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right

my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq

A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.

I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.

Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them