Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
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Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.