Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.

Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.

Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.

I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.

Nurse: You can come inside now.

*Stands up*

*Dusts off jacket*

*Straightens bow tie*

*Fastens cufflinks*

*Ahem*

“That’s what she said”

A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here

You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.

Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.

I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.

You can only regret what you remember.

-Tequila

I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.

Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.

16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’

Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’

16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’

Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*

Me: What?

90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms

Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.

My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer

can I use a minion as a tampon

me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?

clerk: going camping?

me: no

If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.

Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.

The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.

9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.

In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.

“Why don’t you want to have kids?”

*motions hysterically in every direction*

how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day

I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.

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My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.

This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.