not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
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“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Checking my emails on Cyber Monday feels like walking through a mall where everything’s yelling at me.
Mine in this week’s New Yorker
Friend: Please excuse her, she forgot to take her meds today.
Me, on the ceiling: Oh, like they can tell.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.