Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.

if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it

How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”

just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird

Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months

Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing

I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.

I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked

{concert}

lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC

[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*

I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.

“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”

“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show

Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.

I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.

I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.

evil queen: would you like an apple?

me [is snow white]: nah not really

evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!

me: meh, even so

You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.

Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

Ouija doin?

-talkin to my ancestors

“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”

girls literally only want one thing..

My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you

I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM

going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money

When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?

I think my favorite sammich is ice cream

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*

Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.