not to brag but my psychiatrist says i’m extremely intellectually flexible and emotionally astute. i might actually be the psychiatrist now.
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Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.