not to brag but my psychiatrist says i’m extremely intellectually flexible and emotionally astute. i might actually be the psychiatrist now.
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Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
the answer to ‘who hurt you’ is usually ‘my front facing camera’
Them: Good morning
Me: Where?
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
Brands during Pride
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
Manager: Is there any training you’d like to attend this year?
Me: Could I attend “Advanced Tolerating Simpletons”?
Manager:
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.