Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
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me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”