Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
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How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
eggs benadryl
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.